Mad Monday

Not mad as in "angry" - mad as in "crazy!"

Day 1 of homeschooling.  It was going really well, Kassia was really focused and interested, and then when it came time to write a few lowercase "a's," she fell apart.  She is probably just overtired, as she hasn't had naps for a number of days in a row, but it sure did seem to come out of left field.  And it kind of hit me harder than it should have.

So, there I am, not making a big deal out of her frustration, but inside these thoughts are racing:  What did I do wrong?  Am I crazy to think I can homeschool?  What if she hates it right after the first day?  How can I make this better?  Will I ever figure out how to help my younger kids be entertained so that I can give Kassia the personal school time she needs?  Why does her joyful learning have to be interrupted by the whining of one or both of her siblings?  HELP!

A dear friend of mine who is not homeschooling then comes over for a visit.  We are chatting and she asks about homeschooling and we talk about her daughter's kindergarten that starts tomorrow.  She mentions that her daughter is looking forward to music class and I am once again reminded of all the things that I am not equipped to do that an actual school offers:  music class, other languages, field trips without having to consider time and diapers needed for younger siblings, enough kids to play games with, cute art activities with small decorative pieces that could be ingested by younger siblings, recess time during which the teacher gets a break, etc.

Homeschooling and the visit from our friends (which was nice, by the way) both done with, I check my work email only to learn that a new publication is being added to the list of responsibilities of one of the people I am currently overseeing.  This particular publication will be added to the next upcoming deadline (in two weeks), this is my first notice of this, and the person who is technically in charge of this is someone whom I have been having to "babysit" in terms of getting all the work done and doing all the tasks up-to-par.  I call my husband to figure out if this is real, and to ask why I wasn't told about it - but the decision was actually made last Friday.  So I can't blame him for not telling me, because who wants to talk about work over the weekend?  And he didn't realize that I was still managing this person who now has more responsibilities, thus increasing mine, so he of course didn't know that it affected me.

So I feel that I am done.  What do you do when it seems like you are indispensible but you can't do it anymore?  My vocation means that my energy and dedication has to go toward my family, the care and education of my kids, the management of my home - not work!  It hurts to think that I may look back on these years and be aware that I gave more of myself to the family business and less to my family.  But what to do?

This business is something that I have been involved with since the beginning.  I don't mind at all stepping down from ALL of those responsibilities, although I know that it probably won't ever happen that I am completely uninvolved - but at the same time, I feel a responsibility to making sure that our publications are as good as they can be.  Right now, unless I am involved, I feel certain that some will not be professional enough.  And there are responsibilities that I have that cannot be lightly given to a newly hired person.  And the owners don't have time to find replacement people - they are too busy trying find more people to do the extra jobs they find themselves doing.

Here's what I want:  I want to be a full-time stay-at-home mom.  I want to educate my children with the very best materials, opportunities, and the very best of me.  I want to make a home-cooked meal for my family at least 5 times a week.  I want to have personal time actually carved out instead of squeezed in to our family's schedule.  I want some expert to come down and tell me exactly what curriculum to use for educating my daughter so that I can be confident that I am doing what is absolutely best for her.  I want to have plans for educating and playing with and loving all my children on a daily basis so that they all get what they need from me every day.

I know it's not too much to ask...but it is too much to expect.  Still, I find some solace in the words of St. Francis de Sales, as noted by Judy at BENMAKESTEN - "God does not ask from us anymore than we are able to give..."  I am slightly reassured and my common sense kicks in - all will be better tomorrow, after I have had rest, my Kassia will do fine with homeschooling and frustration over letters is normal, I am the best teacher for my children as God has designed and because I have the future of their souls in mind, and someday my role will not include working for the business.

Anyway, just wanted to get that all out.  I'm not sure that I entirely feel better, but at least I've shared and that always helps me.  Now, since all my beautiful children are napping (oh, I love them so much!!!), I will try to take a nap, too, so that they have a better, happier mom when they wake up.