Exhausted Reflections

Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with my vocation. I am called to motherhood, and I love it so much. At the same time, I yearn for the days where spontenaiety was a possibility and adult conversation was something to take for granted. I love hugging and cuddling with my kids, and yet I often can't stop thinking about how I need to get things done around the house or for work.

I know that this isn't the right attitude to take toward motherhood. I know that I am in a place where I am worn out and I am, overall, okay with that as I know that God works through all kinds of suffering - not that mine is anything to complain about. But sometimes you just need to vent.

And then the question is, to whom do I vent? I don't want to complain to my husband; he is busy providing for our family. To bother him with my issues of being overworked would be redundant (at this point - I'm not very good at not complaining), and just plain mean. Who needs to hear that his wife, while happy to be helping out the family by working for the new business we have, is tired of this responsibility, overwhelmed, and feeling like she is a pathetic mother, wife, and caregiver because work drains her. Who needs to hear his wife talk about how she realized that she was shoo-ing the kids away from her again while she tried to get work done because the work had to be done and then she had an epiphany and realized that the kids needed her more than the business did. He doesn't need to feel misplaced guilt over the fact that I need to work right now and that a replacement can't simply be hired.

I can't talk to my mom about it because she would worry like crazy and I don't want her to worry about me. As a mom, I know this motherly worry can't be helped, but as a loving child, I don't want her to be concerned. I know I'll be fine, but I also know that it's hard to reassure worrying mothers.

I don't want to talk to my working friends about it because they work, too, and some of them I work with - and I do love that! But, I don't want to complain to them and have them worry and have it effect them and their work. I don't want to talk to my friend who works full-time because she has to work full-time! I, fortunately, do not. But some days my work seems to hang over me like a dark cartoon storm cloud.

I don't want to talk to my friend who is looking for a job about it - it wouldn't be the job for her and who does it help for me to complain that I have a job I don't like when she would just like a job?

A friend of mine said something to me that I've been pondering on. She said, "Obviously, it appears as though working right now is a part of your call at this time." I hadn't thought that perhaps I was being called to the workforce. I just knew I was stuck in it. Well, now I need to change my thinking. God knows what He's doing. He won't give me anything I can't handle.

At the same time, I need think about all the tools He's equipped me with so that I can better handle this. For one thing, I need to make sleep a priority. I feel so sleep-deprived that I sometimes wonder, in the back of my mind, if there may be something physically wrong with me (it's probably just the average of 6 hours of sleep each night - sometimes interrupted). Then, I need to take advantage of the support I have. And that is what this post is for. Thank you for letting me vent and thank you in advance for what I am asking of you: please pray for me. Please pray that I will embrace my call(s) with joy and keep my priorities in order. Pray that I will be refreshed with energy and endurance.

In the meantime, I will be praying for all of you. And, just a note to you, Mom, and other dear friends - I really am OK. I just need to sleep for a day or two. Really. :-)