I know it'll get better

This is a post from the depths of a worn-out mommy.

I know it'll get better, but you are more than welcome to remind me of that anyway.  :-)

I think I'm burned out.  You know - in that place where you don't feel like you have anything left to offer to anyone?  And yet you are still needed and wanted, in different ways and on different levels, but even the easiest tasks seem really exhausting.  Dishes and laundry are truly tasks that require effort - mostly I get them done because I know I'll feel worse if I let them build up.

I have my work responsibilities, homemaker responsibilities, child raising responsibilities, schooling responsibilities, and then those responsibilities to myself and my husband (as he tells the kids - he saw me first!).  I'm tired.  Yesterday Paul asked me to do some research today on something completely reasonable, but I felt that the addition of that one thing was going to topple over my already full plate.

What I want is to take a minimum 2-3 day vacation without the kids.  And then I want to spend fun time with the kids for awhile, and then I want to have more time to myself where I can get things crossed off of my to-do list for once and for all.  It's not that I don't love my family; I most definitely do - but I can't be very good to them if I don't get some R&R.

We went on a vacation this last week, but it was a camping trip.  I loved the hiking, biking, reading time, and on the beach time.  But set up, take down, mosquito slapping, food cleanup, and the meager hygiene tasks (like cleaning out the potty chair and having to walk a ways to the bathroom) was tiring.  And getting the kids to bed - horrible.  Thankfully, my mother in law was there to help, but I felt bad feeling so pathetically exhausted with everything.  When I have not gotten enough sleep, I know I'm moody and I hate having that "out there" for others to see.  It's bad enough that I and my family have to deal with me at those times.  (wry smile here)

Camping used to be more fun for me, but that was when I didn't have as many little ones to care for and I had more flexibility in my daily life.  I wish that I was more of an outdoorsy girl who has more spunk to energetically tackle these challenges, but I'm not.  I'm learning more and more that a vacation to me, is something that is all-inclusive, doesn't include the kiddos, and has the likely potential of a trip to a spa.  Unfortunately, this is both costly and hard to plan for and a bit selfish.

What I am dumping out in this post is certainly affected by a week of poor sleep, being pregnant and having cravings that are constant and at the point where I should start wearing support hose for my vericose veins that come out at this point (but so far I've been too self-conscious and lazy to wear them, choosing instead to deal with the occasional discomfort), and we've still got stuff unorganized in this house, we still have our old house, and we've got a cat that has started doing his business in places other than his litterbox.

I'm wondering if part of me is depressed, or if it is all exhaustion and pregnancy speaking.  Paul would tell me to stop combining all of my concerns into one big overwhelming thought, and he'd be right.  I think it would be a lot easier to do that if I could eat one of my currently craved-for meals, have my kids do their chores and play without loud screeching, and take a 2 or 3 or 4 hour nap.

Anyway, I am doing my best to be smart about it all and not expect too much of myself or anyone else.  I'll try to be content getting just the minimum done and pray about not letting all the undone things hang in my thoughts.  And I'm going to try and not feel lazy when I just lay around and try to rest.

--Just interrupted by my little man who sliced the skin between his thumb and first finger on a piece of broken pottery.  Sigh.  He always seems to be the one injuring himself.  :-)  But I do feel better now.  Ironically, there is nothing better to get oneself out of a slump by focusing on the needs of others.  Thank you, Lukey, for the diversion from thoughts of only myself!